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  Sidney later regretted her initial response. She laughed. “You’re not serious.” But when she saw the hurt in Michael’s eyes she realized he was serious.

  Michael’s smile disappeared. “I am serious.”

  “I’m sorry, Michael. We have a wonderful relationship right now. I don’t want to screw it up.”

  “It’ll make it better,” he said confidently.

  “Michael, I’m four months away from getting my MBA. I’m just starting my career. If we got married, it would change everything.”

  Michael only became more serious. “I’m 46 years old; I’ve never been married. I’m in love with you Sidney. I’d like to eventually build a family together. Please reconsider.”

  Later that evening after Sidney returned home, she reflected on the events of the evening. I know I love him. I certainly don’t have interest in seeing other men. She was glad to hear that Michael wanted children; she loved children but it was one subject they had never discussed before. Their age difference was never an issue, probably because she always felt older than her years. But I know I would never be comfortable working for his company…if we married.

  The following day, Sidney visited the executive offices unannounced. She had never done this before. “Sidney Marcum to see Mr. Whitman,” she informed Kelly.

  “You don’t have an appointment,” Kelly said as she referred to Michael’s calendar.

  “Please let Mr. Whitman know I’m here. I believe he’ll see me. Thank you.”

  Reluctantly, Kelly went into the office and was surprised when he graciously asked her to show Sidney in. Michael was also surprised by her visit. Sidney did not utter a word until Kelly closed the door, then she said, “I’ll never be Mrs. Whitman. It makes me sound like your mother. Besides, I like my own name.”

  Michael smiled and took Sidney’s hands in his own. “Does this mean you’ll marry me?”

  “You know I can’t marry you and work for you.”

  “Consider yourself fired,” he said, and kissed her.

  Sidney started looking for new employment immediately. About a month into her search, she became frustrated with her prospects. Michael tried to be supportive and told her he would find her something. But she refused his help. It was important to her to be hired based on her qualifications, not because she was Michael Whitman’s fiancée.

  While reviewing some career publications, Sidney came across an interesting position for an A&R Manager. Curious about the position, she submitted her resume, which qualified her for an interview. The position was with the Artist & Repertoire department of Global Records. The A&R manager would be responsible for finding talent, signing them on with the record company, and guiding them to promote their careers. Sidney interviewed well.

  Later that evening, when she discussed the prospects of the position with Michael, she could not help sounding excited about the opportunity. That evening, Michael telephoned an old friend, the Senior Vice President of WABS, the network that controlled Global Records. He called in a favor.

  Sidney received her MBA that spring and the two were married. Shortly after the honeymoon, she started work at Global Records. Like everything she touched and loved, she excelled at her new career. It excited her to work with musicians and build stars. She was responsible to David Jacobs, a director at Global Records.

  The newlyweds became increasingly busy with their careers. It was customary for Michael to meet with business associates at home during the evenings. After dinner, he would routinely excuse himself from Sidney and retreat to his office with a guest. Sidney often wondered about the purpose of the meetings. Business? Or political?

  Shortly after their marriage, Michael shared his political ambitions with his wife. His new ambition was to become a New York Governor. Michael had compiled a detailed plan of action to achieve his political goal. The present New York Governor, Hugh Carey, had just started his term. Michael was posturing for the Republican nomination for the election in six years. He realized it would take years of networking, and was gaining support for his political aspirations.

  Sidney also became obsessed with her new career. She established a good working relationship with David and connected with the artists. She worked aggressively to secure their contracts and build their careers. From David, Sidney learned the music business in and out, and displayed a natural ability to work with the producers, managers, agents and others involved in the business.

  Sidney knew her husband commanded a power that few possessed, and routinely studied him. This power went beyond his financial earnings, it was his natural presence and she was determined to understand it and master it.

  About two years into the marriage Sidney realized the romance had dwindled from their relationship. Their lovemaking had become infrequent and even when they made love the sessions were abbreviated. Michael became increasingly less attentive.

  On their two-year anniversary, Michael recognized that their marriage had changed and vowed to work on their relationship, especially since he wanted to start a family. Their lovemaking sessions became more frequent, but the caliber of the sex did not improve. Michael seemed more interested in procreation than lovemaking.

  Each month, Michael waited anxiously to see if Sidney was pregnant, and when her period arrived, his disposition quickly deteriorated. One day Sidney approached Michael. “Maybe a child right now is not the best thing for us.”

  Michael responded abrasively, “Of course it is. Maybe it’s time to find out what’s wrong.” The following day, the two met with a fertility specialist. The doctor scheduled a series of tests on Sidney to ensure that she was able to conceive.

  “It just doesn’t seem right. We’ve been married over two years, have always had unprotected sex, and she hasn’t become pregnant,” Michael informed the doctor.

  “But Michael, we’ve only really been trying the last six months.” The doctor did not want to speculate until he saw the test results. He also wanted Michael to have a sperm count.

  After a couple menstrual cycles the tests were completed, and all the results were normal. The doctor just encouraged them to relax and keep trying.

  Sidney started to see a different side of Michael. He had become less patient and was quick to anger with her. Occasionally, Michael became agitated and would grab her, and she was not surprised the first time he hit her. Initially she blamed herself. J must have provoked him. Then she realized that no matter what she did, he seemed to become agitated with her, and his frustrations resulted in physical abuse. When Michael did take it a step too far, he showered Sidney with gifts and apologized for the indiscretion.

  Michael and Sidney pulled away from each other, and both continued their obsessions with their careers. For Michael, it was politics, and for Sidney-the music business.

  *

  Sidney returned to her desk, picked up her pen and signed the contract between MPI and Anastasia.

  Chapter 5

  Anastasia had just returned home from a meeting with MPI and her attorney. “Hello. I’m home. Steph, are you home?” But the house was silent.

  Where is she? Anastasia wondered. She walked to the kitchen, poured herself a glass of water and sat at the counter where she went through her mail. Then she noticed a card she had mailed to Marion and Luther Hall had been returned, unopened. Damn them. How long are they going to keep punishing me? I’m over this. This has to end, now.

  Anastasia picked up the phone and called.

  The phone was answered on the third ring by a male voice. “Hello.” Anastasia did not speak. “Hello? Is anyone there?” asked the man.

  “Daddy?” Anastasia whispered.

  “Anastasia?” Luther Hall whispered back.

  Anastasia hesitated before she answered. “Yes.” Seconds later Anastasia heard dial tone. She wiped tears from her cheeks. How did it ever get this bad?

  Anastasia was the only child of Marian and Luther Hall. Her father, Luther, was active in the black movement of the 50s. As a Southern Bap
tist minister, he preached at a small church outside of Macon, Georgia. There he met Marian, the daughter of a white community leader. Although the two initially fought admitting their feelings for each other, ultimately, they could not deny that they were in love. The prospects of a relationship between Marian and Luther enraged the white community. The two eloped, but when they returned from their honeymoon, they found Luther’s church aflame. With the church destroyed, the newlyweds moved to Richmond, Virginia, where Luther started a new church. A year later, Anastasia was born.

  As a child, Anastasia knew she was different from her peers. During her teenage years it became difficult for her to develop friendships. She felt as if she did not fit in, because she was either not white enough or not black enough. In actuality, her stunning beauty intimidated her classmates and alienated her from her peers.

  As Luther watched his daughter grow into a young woman, he realized she was exceptionally gifted with her beauty and her voice. Although Luther encouraged her participation in the church choir, he refused to let her sing outside the church. Luther made every effort to shield his daughter from the world and became an advocate of her isolation.

  In Anastasia’s last year of high school, Luther became disheartened when she expressed interest in attending college. He encouraged community or local state colleges, while Marian recognized that her daughter should explore her options. Marian was supportive when Anastasia expressed interest in attending Rutgers University in New Brunswick, New Jersey. In her search to fit in, Anastasia chose a northern environment, hoping it would be more tolerant of interracial offspring.

  Against her father’s wishes, Anastasia left Richmond and moved to New Brunswick that fall. Initially she was overwhelmed with all the changes in her life. She soon realized that her father’s sheltering had hurt her perceptions of life.

  Her dormitory roommate, Amy, was a sophomore and very popular with other students. Amy was eager to help Anastasia adjust to her new life. A month after school started, Amy was invited to a fraternity party and extended the invitation to Anastasia. The freshman was excited; she had never been to a college party. Her roommate offered Anastasia a makeover and some clothing to wear, suggesting Anastasia’s clothing was inappropriate.

  After Amy completed the makeover, Anastasia walked to the dorm bathroom to inspect the makeup job, but she did not recognize herself in the mirror. The tight Jordache jeans and sweater accentuated Anastasia’s sensual figure, her low-cut neckline boasting cleavage. As her eyes moved over her body, she could feel herself blush. Then her eyes met her face. Red lipstick outlined her full sensual lips and her eyes were accented. Her long black hair fell naturally around her flawless face. As if repelled by her looks, Anastasia backed away from the mirror.

  Another woman had come into the sink area from the showers. She was dressed in a short bathrobe revealing her muscular legs. She started brushing her wet blond hair. As Anastasia caught the woman’s eyes in the mirror, she innocently asked, “What do you think about my makeup? I’m going to a party.”

  The woman turned and studied Anastasia’s face. “I know you have a beautiful face. I think it’s a shame you put all that paint on it.”

  “You do?” Anastasia asked. “What do you think about the way I’m dressed?”

  Turning, the woman studied the clothing. “You don’t look comfortable. Are you?”

  “Not really.” Anastasia started removing the makeup from her face with water and a paper towel. The waterproof mascara smudged over her eyes and cheeks.

  The woman removed a jar of cold cream from her toiletry bucket and handed it to Anastasia. “Try this.”

  As Anastasia removed the stubborn makeup, the woman could not help but notice the disappointment in Anastasia’s face. “Is it an important party?” she asked.

  “Kind of. It’s my first party and … I just want to fit in,” Anastasia confided.

  “First party here?”

  “Actually, first party ever,” Anastasia admitted. “I’ve had a pretty sheltered life, up until a month ago.”

  “Oh.” The woman stopped styling her hair and turned toward Anastasia. “I’m Shelly, I’m in 207, down the hall from you.”

  Anastasia shook her hand.

  “I hope I didn’t offend you,” Shelly said. “You’re a very attractive woman; you don’t need all that makeup. Maybe a little mascara and eyeliner, and just be yourself. You’ll fit in just fine.” The woman ran some mousse into her own hair, picked up her blow dryer and said, “Well, I’ve got to get ready for a party also.”

  “Are you going to the one at Delta Phi? That’s where Amy and I are going.”

  Some mascara remained smudged on the side of Anastasia’s face. Shelly took a face cloth and dabbed it with some cold cream, then held it up to Anastasia’s face. “May I?” she asked.

  Anastasia glanced in the mirror, then nodded, and Shelly gently rubbed the cream on her face.

  “No, I’m not going to the frat party. Amy and I don’t exactly run in the same circles,” Shelly said as Amy entered the bathroom.

  “There you are, what…what happened to your makeup?” Amy glared at Shelly.

  “It just seemed to be too much for me,” Anastasia apologized.

  “Well, we’ve got to get moving.” Amy hurried Anastasia out of the bathroom.

  Anastasia hastened into the hallway. She turned back toward Shelly and said, “Thank you.” Shelly smiled as the door closed abruptly between them. Anastasia turned toward her roommate. “Amy, that was very rude.”

  “You should thank me. Did the lesbo touch you?”

  “What?” Anastasia asked.

  “Shelly is a lesbian. Do yourself a favor-stay away from her.”

  A lesbian? Anastasia pondered as she walked back to her dorm room. But she seemed so nice. Being the daughter of a fundamentalist minister presented Anastasia with little opportunity to meet people of diverse backgrounds, especially homosexuals. Heated words from her father’s sermons, about the evils of homosexuality, echoed in her head: “Homosexuality is evil, it’s immoral. Sinners repent and save your soul.”

  Back in her room Anastasia lightly applied some makeup and changed into more comfortable clothing; then she and Amy left for the party.

  Beer, loud music, dancing and guys were prevalent at the party. To Anastasia’s surprise, she found that she was the center of attention among most of the guys. Around midnight, a student named Ben seemed to claim Anastasia as his prize. The attractive junior had an incredible build and was a school football star. He brought Anastasia a beer, then asked for a dance. Initially, he seemed nice and interesting to Anastasia. Then as the evening progressed, and his drinking continued, he seemed to change. An hour after they met, the two were slow dancing and Ben’s hands started exploring Anastasia’s body.

  “Please don’t do that,” Anastasia pleaded.

  Ben ignored her plea and continued to grope her body as he leaned heavily over her, kissing her neck.

  She managed to peel herself away, grabbed her jacket and told Amy she was leaving. Anastasia hoped that Amy would come with her, but she seemed more interested in a senior. Feeling her first effects of alcohol, Anastasia wandered alone across campus.

  When Anastasia reached the second floor of the dorm, she heard an acoustic guitar and a woman singing the familiar gospel song, “Jesus Loves Me.” The music was coming from the lounge. As she walked toward the sitting room she listened intently to the female voice, and for a moment, she became homesick. The door to the lounge was ajar. To her surprise, Shelly was sitting on the floor, eyes closed, picking away at the guitar. No one else was in the room. She sang softly and seemed at peace. Anastasia was about to leave her in her serenity, then opted to stay and suddenly found herself humming the tune. On the last verse she decided to join Shelly and sang the remaining lyrics with her.

  When Shelly heard the powerful voice accompanying her, she opened her eyes and was surprised by Anastasia’s entrance. At the end of the song Shelly smile
d and said, “You have an incredible instrument there.”

  “Thank you. Your singing is very comforting.”

  “Thanks. How was the party?”

  “Disappointing,” Anastasia answered. “How was yours?”

  “Disappointing.” They both smiled.

  When Shelly started singing another gospel song, Anastasia chose to stay and joined in on the familiar tune. She was fascinated that a lesbian was singing gospel music. The two spent close to two hours singing and chatting about themselves. Anastasia confided about her upbringing and desire to fit in. Shelly encouraged her to just be herself.

  Shelly was a political science major in her third year. She admitted that she was gay and, sensing Anastasia’s naïveté, she adamantly swore she would never touch her.

  The following morning, Amy gave Anastasia a disapproving look when she heard the two women spent time together in the floor lounge. “You shouldn’t hang around her, everyone is going to think you’re a lesbian too. Then you’re certainly not going to fit in.”

  But Anastasia found Shelly’s company to be fun, stimulating and sincere. In spite of the discouragement of her roommate, Anastasia continued the friendship.

  Anastasia learned to embrace life. She frequented most parties and her popularity with the other students, especially men, grew. She experimented with alcohol and marijuana, and soon realized she did not care much for either one. Anastasia had little difficulty finding a date; rather, she routinely debated which date to accept. It became customary for Anastasia to return from her dates and find Shelly in the lounge with her guitar. The two would spend hours singing and talking into the early mornings.

  Each week, Anastasia spoke candidly with Shelly about the progression of her dates. Although Anastasia was still a virgin, she was curious about sex and interested in experimenting. Shelly was not surprised when Anastasia showed up upset at her dorm room early one Sunday morning.

  Crying, Anastasia admitted she had had sex with her date the previous evening. “It was horrible. It was cold, aggressive, there was nothing affectionate or comforting about it.”